Focal Leadership

Leadership

Is your boss emotionally unintelligent?

By

bad leader

Awhile ago I spoke with a business leader who told me they had a boss who is emotionally unintelligent. Taking Daniel Goleman’s definition of emotional intelligence, this means that the boss is not self-aware, does not manage their emotions well, is socially unaware, and does not manage relationships effectively. Not the best boss imaginable!

So, what do you do with a boss like this? Especially if this boss is very senior in your organization – a position they probably attained through their genius and business prowess, not people management skills.

Here are a few suggestions:

  1. Try to convert them

    If you are a very emotionally intelligent leader yourself, you may fancy your chances at converting this emotionally unintelligent leader. Some might say good luck! Reach out to them with a human touch, offer them feedback, and try to appeal to the small amount of empathy that lies within. Who knows, you may unlock someone who has become the person they are because no-one has tried to help them discover a better version of themselves. Sitting down and talking about the style of leadership they exhibit may be risky, but you may find them receptive to feedback offered with humility and best intentions. I have always felt that there is good in everyone – sometimes it is just buried quite deep. The leader might of course be completely impervious to your approaches and backing off may eventually be a wise course of action.

  2. Leave them be

Some leaders are tough nuts to crack when it comes to personal behavior change. You might just be best off going with the flow. Accept that they are unlikely to ask you how your weekend went, host a celebration event, or care about building a relationship with you. They might be 100% business and 0% personable. Sometimes it is not worth getting stressed or upset about a leader like this. Try and work with it. Acknowledge the way they are and go with the flow. This might be an emotionally bankrupt approach but make your emotional deposits elsewhere in relationships that offer a return on investment. When interfacing with your boss, tune yourself into the way they are. This way you will meet their expectations.

  • Stay authentic

    Carry on being the person you are. This can a tough road, especially as you are unlikely to get any response to your emotional investment. But some people can pull this off. Stay true to the emotionally intelligent person you are. Ask your boss how their weekend went. Invite them to a social gathering. Share things that are going on in your life. You may hit a brick wall and be ignored, but at least you are filling the airwaves with the positivity that you appreciate. If you are in the company of others as well as your boss, they will latch onto your attitude and appreciate you. Your boss might bark at you to focus on the business at hand, so be careful that you do not show any disrespect. At least you can feel fulfilled in continuing to be the person you are and not compromising your behavior just because it is not reciprocated.

  • Keep your network alive

    No person is an island. Even a CEO has a Board to be accountable to. When faced with an emotionally unintelligent boss, it is important that you keep networking with their peers, other direct reports, and skip level (if appropriate). Take big precautions not to gossip or side with others who bad mouth your boss. The last thing you need is to have your relationship poisoned, no matter how legitimate that might be. You can say that the relationship with your boss is challenging and laugh about some of the incidents that you have experienced but try to stay professional and positive as much as possible. Building relationships with others who share your boss’ circle of influence will ensure that you are inclusive and politically savvy. You might also discover ways of improving your relationship with your boss – others may have learned a secret or two.

  • Talk to a coach

    Sometimes you just need someone to vent to. Let your frustrations and need for validation spill out onto someone else. If your need for emotional connection and relational understanding are not met by your boss, you do need to find a safe place where you can get these. Your partner or family may not be the best place to find counsel. Maybe an HR Business Partner or a coach can help you best. Talk it out. You may find gems of wisdom, but you may not find a resolution – be prepared for that.

Do not be a victim. This person will not be your boss forever. Be true to yourself. Develop your own emotional intelligence and be the best colleague and leader you can be to others.

3 Reasons to be a Passionate and Patient Leader

By

yin yang

Being a passionate and patient leader embodies a combination of virtues that demonstrate a very powerful style of leadership. Taking each of these virtues to the extreme, with the exclusion of other complementary attributes, could have damaging outcomes. Just demonstrating passion can mean being overly excited, over-powering, or having a disregard for others. Just being patient can mean being slow, unfocused, or lacking drive. Here are three reasons why passion and patience are such good companions.

  1. Be intentional about both

    Leadership is never about just one style, one approach, or one dominant behavior. It is about different attributes working together. Emphasizing these behaviors at different times and being intentional about practicing them in the moment. For example, passion is so important when people need to see a vision, need inspiring, and motivating. Patience is so important when people need to be listened to, understood, or change is not immediately evident.

A passionate and patient leader can balance these attributes in a skillful way to demonstrate energy and drive while simultaneously showing the capacity to engage, listen, and wait for others to get on board. An agile leader can show more passionate leadership when the need is to enthuse and inspire, while practicing patient leadership when the need is to help others understand implications or when events need to align before progress can be made. Great leadership is being able to consciously flex styles and not to be overcome by personal impulse or preference, nor to be swayed inappropriately by external events.

  • Increase your emotional intelligence

    Being emotionally intelligent is to understand your own emotions and their impact on others, and also to understand how your own emotions are influenced by those around you. Where this plays into passionate and patient leadership is to grow a personal level of emotional intelligence and understanding that consciously impacts behavior. For example, if a leader knows that they are particularly passionate, then knowing whether to let this come across full-bore or to moderate it is an emotionally intelligent state. Alternatively, a particularly patient leader will know when to raise the pace and move the agenda forward rather than slip into procrastination or indecision.

    Others may want a leader to be more passionate or patient at any given time. Reading the situation and understanding the source of this insistence is also how an emotionally intelligent leader decides whether to adjust their style or not. Passionate people may wish for a passionate leader. The same goes for patient people. But wholeheartedly passionate or patient people may need a leader with different attributes to get the best from them.

  • Be future-focused and present-conscious

    Agile leaders can often plan to adapt their levels of passion and patience depending on the circumstances. For example, if a leader is giving a presentation about future vision, a passionate description of the future might need to be accompanied with a more patient representation of timeline expectations. Or a patient conversation with an underperforming employee might need to be accompanied with a passionate commitment to their development and confidence in their ability to deliver better performance.

    Mindfully developing a passionate as well as a patient response to circumstances is the mark of a leader who understands that leadership is not just being in the moment, but who also understands the impact their leadership has on future engagement and commitment.

Passion and patience are just two leadership attributes. Comparing and contrasting them in the manner above demonstrates how leaders need to flex behavior to be at their best. During the Covid-19 pandemic, both passion and patience are essential leadership attributes – passion to bring energy in finding ways through current difficulties, and patience to lead those who are inundated by circumstances beyond their control.